I want to share my story with other parents looking for answers because it was through the stories on Sheyne’s website that I found hope, and the will to keep going against ALL the odd’s.
Our story is an extreme tale, but one that I feel needs to be told. I want to share this with people so it can serve as a message to those thinking that they are alone, and no one can help them. You are not alone, you can find help.
In order to tell you our story, I really need to go back to my childhood, my pregnancy, and our son’s birth first.
It’s a long road but please bear with me, I am sure there will be people that can relate to my desperation, frustration and despair.
Some important background on me, mummy to baby Jai:
In 1999 I had a spinal reconstruction. The surgery was designed to stabilise my back which was basically collapsing. I was born with birth defects; spina bifida, a double scoliosis, a 6th vertebrae and degenerative discs. This would be a challenge for any child, but at 3 months old I was a victim of battered baby syndrome (from my mother) and it appears that somehow my back was broken. As a result I ended up with a spondolythesis in my lower back (slippage of the spine), sciatica and over time (years), gradual paralysis. I had also suffered a fractured skull when my back was broken which required a craniotomy to remove the pieces of skull that were shattered and lodged into my brain. Unbelievably, 4 months later, I was discharged from the hospital that treated me into my parents care again. Something I can barely come to terms with. As one can imagine, the abuse never stopped and I spent my childhood enduring beatings, abuse and severe neglect until I was kicked out of home at 14 years of age.
After my back surgery in 1999, no-one really knew how I would go carrying a baby. I was advised not to fall pregnant but I had a wonderful GP who encouraged me to build up my strength, get plenty of counselling to cope with parenting and she was convinced that I could do it. This was a challenging task made easier as I was a personal trainer and extremely fit. I did as she recommended and was thrilled with the news of my pregnancy.
Throughout my pregnancy, I did everything right. I never drank, smoked or ate the things you’re not supposed to. I stayed fit and healthy. Not one preservative passed my lips and I only ate organic. I spent 6 months with a lovely holistic counsellor and I was totally prepared for the challenges of parenting (well I thought so at the time!) I had a highly reputable obstetrician who was very encouraging and for many medical reasons wanted me to try a natural birth. We had an extensive back up plan if my back didn’t cope, which involved a caesarean under general anaesethic, as I have too much hardware in my spine for an epidural.
The hospital staff were supportive and I had my own midwife who respected everything I asked for. Given my history of battered baby syndrome, the hospital placed me in one of their “high risk” programs and I felt like I had a great network of people working with me physically, mentally and emotionally.
But what is it they about ‘the best laid plans’?
Unfortunately after a 48 hour of labour, and getting to the final stage of delivery, my back couldn’t cope any more and my pelvis cracked in two under the pressure. I was rushed in for what the doctors affectionately call a “smash n grab”. Despite the trauma, my beautiful baby boy was born on the 10th July 2006, 8lb 02 and he was perfect.
My little boy finds it difficult, and so does his mummy!
It was obvious from the second day after Jai arrived into the world that he had tummy problems and this only seemed to get worse once we got home 6 days later. He had extremely watery bowel movements which before too long started frothing out like a cappuccino and his stomach was always distended like a balloon. He screamed a lot and he was quite jaundiced.
It was so obvious to me he was in pain but as I have since learnt only too well, no-one listens to the person who knows best; the mother.
My partner went back to work within days and I was home alone, recovering from a caesarean with this beautiful little baby who was so distressed that he could only calm when I held him upright. Breast feeding was also becoming a nightmare. I had so much milk, a forceful let down and Jai just couldn’t seem to stop still, even when he fed.
Jai cried most of the day, And most of the night!
After a few weeks I was beside myself with pain, fatigue and worry. I rang and begged my maternal nurse to come around to see him. Eventually she did and her diagnosis was that he was putting on way too much weight, he appeared to be lactose intolerant and I had a huge problem with an over-supply. She told me to stop demand feeding immediately, get him on soy formula and book in to see a paediatrician. She also advised me to only breast feed every 3 hours to drop my milk supply until I weaned him over a short period of time. I was devastated! It meant so much to me to breast feed Jai for many reasons, and trying to space his feeds was proving to be torture.
In addition to the milk supply issue, I informed her that I thought something was wrong with his neck because he couldn’t feed properly on my right side, couldn’t stop still, and that I was convinced wrapping him was hurting him so I had stopped. She told me to persevere with the wrapping as all babies seemed to fight it and in her opinion his neck was fine.
Things get worse!
On one occasion Jai screamed all night so I was up for 7 hours straight and just walked and patted him. It was only when light started to come through the windows that I realised he had welts all over his body and we rushed him to the Royal Children’s Hospital. The paediatrician who saw him there diagnosed him with a shellfish allergy as I had eaten prawns the night before. She said it was obviously a strong reaction to get through my breast milk so she referred us to their allergy department. I received a letter advising my appointment was in 6 months! I could not believe I had to wait that long. It was insane! My GP believed he had an immature digestive system and said he couldn’t have been born lactose intolerant as he was putting on weight. She encouraged me to keep breastfeeding if that’s what I wanted to do and she advised me to do anything I felt necessary to nurture Jai until we could figure out exactly what was wrong.
Nothing changed for weeks.
Our search for answers is underway
At 2 months of age we paid for a maternal nurse to come to the house to try and help us settle him. She was the first person who saw him in “action” and she agreed that something was definitely wrong. She told us to get him some colic relief and suggested a paediatric chiropractor. I was sceptical but my cousin had also recommended the same chiro so I decided to give it a go. I was absolutely devastated when he told me it appeared that Jai had suffered a fractured collar bone from his birth. I mean it didn’t surprise me, he was stuck in my pelvis for a long time with his neck flexed and he had quite severe grazing on his little temples when he was born but I was so shocked that no-one had picked this up.
No wonder he hated being wrapped!
I honestly believe mother’s guilt is one of the most powerful emotions you can ever feel and when you find out your baby has been in that much pain it literally tears at your heart. By the time this was finally identified, he was 3 months old.
Coming to terms with my past
He was tiny, defenceless and fragile and for the first time ever, it hit me just how horrific my own injuries as a little baby were. I took Jai home and just held him all day and night. I never wanted him to feel alone and at the same stage I was struggling with emotions of what my mother had down to me as a tiny baby. They say having children brings everything up from your past but little was I to know that my roller coaster was only just beginning.
Jai neck movement and discomfort improved after weeks of treatment to his neck and back, but he was still distressed and crying constantly and my patience was starting to wear thin. I knew I couldn’t continue to hold him every time he slept, it was getting ridiculous.
Trying to find an answer was proving more challenging than I imagined, and so was parenting!
The chiropractor who is also trained in children’s nutrition suggested that Jai had some sort of protein allergy. He advised an elimination diet for myself to work out what the offending food was and encouraged me to keep breastfeeding in order to provide anti bodies to fight the allergy. It was the toughest 2 weeks and I felt like I was going crazy, writing down everything I ate, writing down his symptoms, his behaviour and just when I thought I knew what it was, out would come another mucous filled, green, acidy poo.
All I wanted was for someone to come and see my baby while he was distressed and to give me confidence that it wasn’t something I was doing, and to help with a solution to his discomfort.
I have vivid memories of standing in the shower crying uncontrollably. I was an emotional wreck and I was so confused as to wether I should continue to breastfeed or to stop. My supply was huge and I was constantly engorged. I felt like I was making him sick every time I fed him but on the other hand I am being told that breastfeeding him gave him antibodies to fight food allergies, not to mention, gave me the chance to sit down.
I was recommended to sleep school many times but I did not want to do the controlled crying thing as crying babies seemed to provoke a really strong physical response in me. I was yet to understand why I reacted to a child’s cry in the way I did, but I did know that it made me feel anxious, nauseous and disorientated. I spent most of my days when Jai was crying feeling like I was literally trying to hold onto consciousness as I constantly felt like I was going to faint.
He was better when I held him, so that’s what I did. I never put him down when we had visitors or if we went out. I just didn’t want anyone to see him hysterical so obviously everyone thought he was just a happy little baby who only cried when he was hungry. Little did anyone know that I was feeding him non stop because it would give me a break from the crying, rocking, patting and distress.
The search for sleep help continues;
And so our search for ‘someone’ to help with his sleep issues really began.
We paid for another maternal nurse to come to the house; she recommended the feed, play, sleep routine. Yep?!?! We had been doing that but she took our money anyway and wished us luck.
Then we paid for a “sleep expert” who could solve all issues ‘in an hour’. Four hours later Jai sobbed himself to sleep, she said my oversupply of milk was the problem and her advice left me seriously ill with my first case of mastitis. She left promising to return when she got back from holidays but to this day she has never returned any of my calls. Ripped off yet again!
I was a regular on the maternal health line, the breastfeeding association and parent line.
I had every DVD you could imagine on getting your baby to sleep.
I attended numerous workshops and sat up almost every night surfing the net.
I read book after book searching for answers. Nothing worked no matter how much we stuck to it, or for how long!
Jai was now 5 months old and he had still never slept for more than 2 hours at a time, day or night. He woke up after every day sleep sometimes after only 15 mins, sometimes after only 40 mins, but he never woke up happy. He was happy when he was awake and upright in my arms, and that was it.
In the meantime I was falling apart. I lost weight rapidly; my hair had started to fall out. I had psoriasis everywhere, I constantly had viruses (so did Jai) and emotionally I was wrecked. The friends I thought would be by my side were always too busy, they were sympathetic but they had their own kids. Everyone had their own dramas and some would come to help but most of the time we only got help if it suited people. We had one person, our darling Jan who would drop absolutely anything to come and do whatever we needed, and my sister in law who would brave the challenge and take Jai whenever she could to give us a break. My cousin was a constant support for me and so was my GP.
Dangerous thoughts
I never lied to people about how I was coping, I clearly told everyone that I was at my wits end and that I was getting to the point that I was struggling not to take it out on my son. My frustrations were turning to anger and I was running out of avenues. I rang the hospital where I gave birth and begged them to admit him to try and figure out what was going on but they said they didn’t have the facilities to do that. I even asked them to admit me as a psychiatric patient but still no response. I was hanging on by a thin thread and so was my partner.
One morning Jai was crying and I begged my partner to get up to him as I literally felt like I couldn’t move I was so exhausted. Thankfully I had great support in my fiancé but most of the time he would have to hand Jai back as feeding him was the only thing that settled the crying, and expressing my milk just caused my supply to increase even further. Well on this particular morning my partner was trying as much as he could to settle Jai without disturbing me. I was lying in bed listening to Jai scream and fighting emotions of resentment, fear, hurt and just plain sadness.
What was going on? Why couldn’t he sleep and why was it always me that had to take over. I didn’t want my partner to feel like he couldn’t do it but deep down I knew that my son wanted me and no-one else. I think my fiancé was as scared as I was. I went to get up but my partner insisted that I rest so I laid there with the pillow over my head trying to block out the cries that were tearing at my heart. I was so relieved when my partner finally asked me to come and feed him but as I got out of bed and walked around to his cot, I fainted. It was only brief but I remember coming around and feeling an intense panic that I had dropped my son. I was so disorientated that I didn’t realise that my partner was home and that he had him. It was truly frightening.
Desperate measures
Out of desperation I booked myself in for sleep school for a day stay.
I know some people say sleep school was the best thing they did and it helped them hugely but it didn’t work for us. In fact I got so worked up that I fainted there because of all the crying babies.
As a result I did get to see a psychologist who explained why I was having these fainting episodes. She told me that something really traumatic must have happened to me quite young to provoke such a strong physical reaction to a distressed child. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I had not told her about my injuries as a baby but for the first time ever I finally understood why I felt the way I did. She continued to explain that the trauma must have happened under the age of approx 18 months of age as the reaction was so physical. I told her what had happened to me, and that I was terrified that I was going to do the same thing to my precious baby boy.
She was the most fantastic person and we just sat and talked for a long time. She said she didn’t think sleep school was the right place for me and recommended that I looked into getting someone out to the house who could work around my needs. I told her we had done that and had basically been ripped off. She wasn’t allowed to recommend anyone by name but she told me to check on the internet for ‘The Baby Whisperer’ from 7Sunrise who lived in Sydney. She also gave me contact numbers for support services and psychiatrists who dealt with these sort of parenting issues. I left that day feeling emotionally exhausted, tired and sad but I at least felt as though I had been equipped with some sort of guidelines to assist Jai in getting to sleep.
I tried using the techniques they had given me for 2 weeks straight, but he still never slept. He continued to wake constantly and eventually I gave up once again. I was also bitterly disappointed that I never received a follow up call from them. I mean surely they were concerned for our welfare? Perhaps, but obviously not enough it seemed! Somehow it left me feeling invalidated. I had shared myself, bared my soul, but still nothing!
I searched the internet and finally I found her, Sheyne Rowley, The Australian Baby Whisperer. I still remember sitting at my computer in the middle of the night reading “Alessandro’s story” on her website and sobbing and sobbing. If this woman could help him, then surely she could help us. I looked up the cost of the packages and my heart sank. We quite simply didn’t have that sort of money. And anyway, surely she couldn’t do anything that different to the sleep schools, specialists and books otherwise they would be doing what she does, surely! I put the idea on the shelf and booked in to see my GP the following week.
Back to the drawing board
My GP then referred us to a pediatrician who diagnosed Jai with severe silent reflux, secondary lactose intolerance, a possible milk protein allergy, and it turned out that a persistent rash all over his little body was actually a staphylococcus infection. Good! Something else to feel guilty and inadequate about.
We played around with medications. In the meantime Jai got worse and I knew there was something wrong. I went to the hospital, and despite the patronizing reassurances that he was fine, as they rolled their eyes at this ‘first time (she is just overreacting) mother’, I screamed the place down and insisted that some tests were done!
It turned out that poor Jai had in fact developed a urinary tract infection, which had developed into a kidney infection. Tick! More guilt and feelings of inadequacy. How long this had been a problem I guess we will never know but they contacted the paediatrician and he saw him 2 days later for a follow up.
The paediatrician insisted that Jai underwent a procedure called an MCU as they had to rule out if the infection was caused by a condition called kidney reflux. It was a hideous procedure as anyone who has experienced this would know but he convinced us that it was essential given Jai’s history of being unsettled. We were so relieved when it was over and the results were clear and I started to feel that maybe we could move on from all these issues.
Unfortunately, his problems continued and he started to experience gastric bleeding. He was being treated for everything already so the pediatrician decided, despite his symptoms, that his inability to sleep was purely behavioural and so on his insistence we booked him into the sleep school for a day stay at the private hospital he consulted at.
Fifth time lucky!
We paid $270 yet again to try and get some help. I will hand it to them; it was the first hint of success we had experienced so far, but when I say ‘hint’, I mean ‘hint’. So what was this hint, well, the one good thing that came out of that stay was that Jai could finally put himself to sleep on his own (after 40 minutes). My only problem now was getting him to stay asleep. It would take me roughly 40 minutes of going in and out to get him to go to sleep (which at the time felt like an improvement) but most of the time he would then only sleep for 20 minutes. I constantly questioned myself whether it was really worth all the effort but it was some progress, wasn’t it?
He was still waking up screaming and miserable through the night though, with him never sleeping for more than 1 ½ hours overnight anymore, and I was still convinced that there was something else underlying.
After persisting again for another couple of weeks I just got to the point that I didn’t care if he didn’t sleep and I made an active decision to start feeding him to sleep, to put him in our bed and try some of the “attachment parenting” techniques.
Give up, time to try ‘attachment parenting’!
Jai had just been too unwell for such a long time and I really felt I had made no progress and just needed to bond with him. I had been developing a deep resentment towards him for the life he had taken from me and for the damage it was causing to my relationship with my partner. I truly regretted having him but I just couldn’t say that out loud.
I have so many friends who are unable to have children and the very thought of not wanting my own son just seemed so selfish and unimaginable.
Finally, I did start to enjoy being a mum for the first time in 7 months because I finally had an answer to settle my son. If he was tired, he got boob, if he was hungry, he got boob, if he hurt himself, if he got a fright, if he was cranky, if he got bored, if he so much as looked at me the wrong way, he got boob! He was permanently attached but I didn’t care, he didn’t cry as much because I just stuck the boob in to stop him if he did start! I new this probably wasn’t healthy, or addressing the reason he was crying but what else could I do, I had gone to everyone and got no answers so at that point, I gave up and stopped trying to fix it and just got lazy.
After a few weeks of my new parenting style however, I started to get worried. I started to come to the grim realisation that it was actually turning out to be even harder than trying to help my little boy self settle. I could spend 20 minutes feeding him waiting for him to fall asleep, then gently lift him up and place him down in the cot like it was glass, then bang! He would sit bolt upright and spring back into a screaming fit.
It would infuriate me having to go through the whole ordeal over and over again and the worst thing was now it was only me that could put him down. The theory behind this sort of parenting is great if you live in a tribe or a house with grandparents, aunts and a mother but for the bulk of us at home alone, it’s a nightmare. Throw in a stuffed back and your mixing a lethal concoction.
Turn after turn after turn for the worse!
My back was getting even worse with all the rocking, feeding and carrying and my fury was growing out of control. I was honestly desperate. I started yelling at Jai and slamming the door on him when he woke up. I had no time to myself and boy was I feeling it. The constant feeding was affecting his appetite and he basically refused to eat solid food, just another battle for me to fight. He was constipated and once again had to go on medication to help ease his symptoms. I tried every natural remedy on the market and eventually resorted to giving him laxatives but I was still concerned as to what the underlying problem was.
The constant feeding and drastic loss of sleep and time was also taking every last inch of health I had left in my body. My hair started to literally turn grey; I had bald patches and a receding hair line. I suffered insomnia every night and when I did sleep I normally woke up in a panic thinking I had rolled onto Jai or that I had left him somewhere. I can’t even tell you how often I fell asleep driving and the amount of times I had to pull over because I simply had no idea where I was, or on my worst days remember where I was going and for what reason.
It was at this time that I realised that Jai seemed to sleep better in the car so we began spending most of our time just driving around. It was insane. Apart from petrol being so damn expensive, we were risking all of our lives as well as everyone else’s on the road by driving around so seriously sleep deprived.
At this stage we were all absolutely stressed and exhausted and as a result Jai’s behaviour was starting to get even worse. He was clingier, more demanding and we had got to the point where Jai and I couldn’t understand each other at all anymore. Every day I would hear myself saying “I don’t know what you want, what is it?” and he would just cry.
After trying to settle him for about 1 ½ hours one day I got so angry when he kept standing up when I lay him down, that I literally shoved his head into the mattress and held it down. I was out of control but I just had no coping mechanisms to draw on except anger. In my childhood, anger, violence and abuse were normal and they were the responses that were coming out in me. I knew that, but I didn’t know how to stop it. I was almost running on auto pilot, and that auto pilot was dangerous.
That same day I got a phone call from one of the sleep schools I had been on a waiting list for so I decided to brave it and do the 5 day stay. I had to try something again and even if they couldn’t get him to sleep they told me they had doctors there who could see him to figure out if there was something medical still going on.
I attended all of their “parenting” classes and soaked up every bit of information I could get. I ran into the psychologist who I had seen 6 months earlier and she quietly congratulated me on coming back and wished me luck.
Well my darling little son was proving to be a big handful; no-one could get him down. He had become so stressed and so stubborn and he gave it all he had and fought them the whole way. After about an hour of trying to settle him on the second day I was called in to one of the classes and the nurses encouraged me to leave Jai with them and promised me they would not push him too hard. I reluctantly left and almost two hours later I went back to my room where another nurse had put him down as my allocated nurse was called elsewhere. The nurse told me she had finally gotten him down but she had to stay in with him the whole time and he had been pretty upset. She said she gave him his teddy and he went to sleep holding him. She told me to get some rest while Jai slept. I went into my room and snuck my head in his room. I could hear him making weird noises so I went over to check him and yes he was asleep but he was sobbing. It was the saddest I had ever felt. What the bloody hell was I doing to him? Was sleep really worth this? He slept for a whole hour and he sobbed that entire time. It tore me apart. I could feel his fear and hurt. I had abandoned him and I truly believe it frightened the hell out of him.
And wouldn’t you know it, guess who worked at the sleep school? That wonderful so-called sleep “expert” who ripped us off, made me sick and never returned my phone calls. Just what I needed when I was feeling so vulnerable!
A doctor did check over Jai while we were there but he said there appeared to be nothing wrong with him. Sigh! So confusing!
On the third day he had vomited twice while they tried to settle him, which I was told is quite normal when babies put up such a fight to go to sleep, but my instincts told me otherwise.
We left on the fourth day. Pity they didn’t pick that he had gastro, and he ended up so sick that he didn’t eat for 10 days, and had to be admitted to hospital to be re-hydrated. Question is, was it gastro, or was he traumatized?
A new perspective, would this help?
We finally changed pediatricians when Jai was 9 months old and at last I met someone who was willing to at least hear me out. Together we embarked on a plan to get Jai better and sleeping.
In her opinion she seemed to think that we had and were addressing the bulk of his medical issues and his sleep issues were probably a combination of minor lingering medical issues and behavioural issues due to his lack of sleep over such a long time.
She was practical, and started by working on all the obvious things such as keeping him warm or cool, a daily routine, managing his eczema and working slowly to eliminate his associations.
Jai seemed to settle a little bit for a very short time, but this was not making a dent in the overall problem really.
Since sleep school his ability to go to sleep independently (out of our arms with assistance) had diminished completely and, to make matters worse, he was now also having problems with ears infections.
We had gotten to the point that we had to hold him for roughly 30 minutes walking up and down the hall until he laid his head down on our shoulder, then rock him to sleep in his room for another 15 minutes or so and hey presto we would get two 1 hour sleeps out of him a day. We had put him back into our bed at the paediatrician’s recommendation, as at least that way we wouldn’t have to get out of our own bed and go into his room to rock him or feed him back to sleep. I was still needing to re-settle him constantly through the night and hold him non stop but I could at least stay in bed. Needless to say, this was devastatingly painful for my back, and utterly exhausting given our journey so far. I was now feeling far, far, far beyond my breaking point.
Jai also underwent a colonoscopy and gastroscopy at the Children’s Hospital in order to determine why he was still having consistent diarrheal and was deemed a ‘failure to thrive’. He was formally diagnosed with an immature digestive system and the biopsies came back indicating a malabsorption of zinc, which affects the immune system and causes growth retardation. He had follow up blood tests and he slowly started to improve. We were making progress but unfortunately I had reached the height of my rollercoaster and I can honestly say I could feel my brain giving way.
I called my paediatrician one day and told her that I needed to do something ASAP as I was having visions of myself throwing Jai through a window. She referred us to the sleep disorder clinic at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne and stressed on her referral that it was absolutely “urgent”.
A child and mother at risk!
Jai had always been flat out and required constant amusing. He crawled at 5 months old and was up cruising furniture at 6 months. He could take independent steps at 7 months and he walked at 9 months. He was high maintenance and I just didn’t have the energy to keep up with him without sleep, and with failing health. I had tried everything. I never judged anyone for the way they chose to parent yet I felt so judged by even those closest to me.
People would also say stuff like maybe he just doesn’t need to sleep. Why don’t you just put him in the bed with you again, give him the bottle instead of breast feed, co-sleep, use Phenergan, drop him off at day care and get a break. But nothing anyone suggested was long term, we had tried all the short term fixes and we needed major long term change and quickly. I got sick of people sympathising with me and saying they understood, they had had a bad sleeper too, it was just a part of parenting, it won’t last forever, and I’ll live. I didn’t want condolences, I wanted help.
One night, when my partner got home from work I told him that I was really scared that my brain was going to snap and that I was frightened he might get a phone call from me one day saying “Jai’s floating in the bath, I don’t know what I’ve done” It was the darkest hell on earth and I started to wonder how many babies we see battered, are the result of a system ignoring a mother or father’s desperate cries for help.
He begged me to hold on as we were convinced the Royal Children’s Hospital would keep him in once they recognised the stress we were under.
It was at this point I emailed Sheyne for the first time. I pleaded with my partner to let us borrow the money but he wasn’t convinced that she could do what no-one else had managed. I e-mailed anyway as I just wanted to be heard. I had seen Sheyne on TV since I had initially looked up her site, and she had pinpointed some things that Jai was doing which gave me confidence that there was an underlying problem, and she might be the one to know what it was.
My instincts just told me that she was the person who could help.
Breaking point!
Sadly, time ran out and a few days later my brain did snap. I had a breakdown!
What actually happened is a bit of a blur to me but after 2 hours of Jai screaming, biting and hitting me, during a breastfeed he bit my nipple so hard that he almost severed it and didn’t let go. I tried to get him to release his grip but I was unable to. I stood up in an attempt to get him to let go, and he dangled off my breast by his teeth.
I lost control from the blinding pain!
Thankfully in that moment, I injured myself instead of him. I was literally inches away from seriously hurting him, an action that I know not could have, but would have ended his life, but I fortunately did not touch him in the action that caused my own serious injury. Unfortunately however he witnessed what I did to myself. He was so frightened and distraught that he let go and we sat in his room cuddling and crying.
The phone rang at some point while I was sitting numb on the floor that afternoon and it was Tamara, Sheyne’s assistant. I couldn’t believe her timing! I was in shock so could barely speak. I didn’t tell her what had just transpired, or how bad things had got. I was just amazed that she had called.
I sat numb as she told me something about Sheyne having a huge waiting list, mentioned something about Sheyne being concerned about my email, and said that Sheyne would try to fit me in before the end of the year.
As I was still in shock from my injury I just thanked her and hung up without telling her what had happened. I didn’t move from the floor for hours and I don’t think I even felt the pain I had inflicted on myself. At some point I calmly rang my partner and asked him to come home. I felt like I had died inside. I crossed a line and no-one could ever undo that damage.
My husband took me to hospital because my injuries were so bad and I was so broken (literally and metaphorically). I had injured myself so badly that I required surgery later that night, and I spent the next couple of days in hospital. My nipple was also treated and would recover fortunately.
Would we now get the help we so clearly and desperately needed?
Two days after I returned home we finally got to attend our much anticipated appointment at the Royal Children’s Hospital sleep disorder clinic. I was carrying obvious injuries, and was depressed which the paediatrician asked about and I told her honestly.
They worked out that Jai was getting the equivalent to an ‘adult’s sleep’ of 4 hours in a 24 hour period? !? !
Yeeeaaaah??????
Basically her recommendations were; to try moving a bed into Jai’s room, eliminating all the sleep associations one at a time and sedating him. I cannot tell you how I felt about this advice. I was and still am without words about how I felt when I was given this information. I was in a ‘paediatric sleep disorders clinic’, and this was the advice I received.
We sat in this woman’s office and begged her not to send us home with him. We blatantly told her that we could no longer cope and could she please admit him and get us some parenting help. Her answer was ‘to deal with it when we felt emotionally able to’.
My husband and I left despondent and feeling like we had nowhere to turn for help. It felt like no one knew what to do, or had any answers that we, and many others hadn’t already tried, in earnest, many, many, many times before with no success
I walked out of there wondering if this lack of help would still persist had I hurt Jai and not myself 4 days ago. I was beginning to think that not even that would have helped him be removed from harms way!
I was only home for a week before my injury got infected and this time I was kept back in hospital for 8 days. The doctors recognised I was suffering from exhaustion and with the help of some beautiful nurses; I weaned Jai and rested in hospital until I recovered a little.
Our last but greatest hope!
On my last day in hospital I received a voice mail from Sheyne on my mobile. Her voice was music to my ears. She said that she wanted to catch up with me as she had a ‘feeling’ that things were a bit “scary banana’s in our household” based on ‘that’ e-mail I had sent her and she needed to make sure everyone was ok.
Jai’s father is the most amazing dad you could imagine. He is patient, gentle and supportive. But after only one week at home alone with Jai he told me to book Sheyne in, no matter what the cost. He knew Jai was difficult but he said that he had no idea how bad things really were until he did it on his own. He even admitted that he had spent one morning just crying in the shower out of exhaustion, anger and concern for his family.
I spoke to Sheyne on the phone later that same day, and for the first time in 14 months I connected with someone. She was genuinely sorry she hadn’t reached me before my breakdown but she told me to hold on and promised she would see us through to the end. She promised that our nightmare was going to come to an end!
What a bond assurance! How could she be so confident after the tale I had just told her? I had no choice but to believe her. She was our last hope!
We had a few weeks to wait until Sheyne would arrive but knowing she was coming really did save me from doing more harm. Just as I would struggle not to lose it, I would hear Sheyne’s lovely voice telling me to hold it together just a little bit longer, and saying that I had survived this long, and now there was a light at the end of the tunnel, it was worth pulling on all my reserves. So I did hold on, but I only held on for Sheyne, more than anyone else at that time. I don’t know why I felt this; it was just how I was coping.
After our first detailed and in depth conversation where our entire family history was aired well and truly, Sheyne urged me to get him to the doctor and get his ears checked. She was convinced that part of his underlying problem was to do with the ear infection he had experienced in the past. She based this on the fact that he was waking consistently at certain times through the night which to her was indicative of a specific kind of discomfort.
Hmmm, how could she pick this when no-one else could?
My GP was hugely supportive and she got on the phone that night to push the system and get Jai in to see a specialist the next morning. They ran some tests and sure enough his ears were full of fluid. They described the pressure he would have been feeling as ‘enormous’. While this was indeed a problem, he was actually lying down all night in our bed at the time (not always sleeping but able to stay lying down) so Sheyne and the surgeons were confident that while they may have been uncomfortable, they were not presently painful.
The surgeon said he would most likely need grommets, but the question remained grommets first, or correct the sleep first and see how he goes before deciding on surgery.
In the end they were both keen to see how things went with the sleep management first before doing any surgery. The main rational for this in Sheyne’s mind was that perhaps sleep would actually help resolve the ear problems if they were not severe at the time and even settle his tummy (that could be partially caused by anxiety and stress). Sheyne said that she would never attempt to teach him to sleep if she thought there was even the remotest chance of pain, but as the ears were not infected and he was able to lie down for prolonged periods of time, she felt there was a very good chance that this was not going to be problematic in our journey to help Jai.
Based on an interesting decision making process between Sheyne, my husband and myself and the surgeon we were then booked in to see a surgeon again the week after Sheyne had been to stay with us, without any further intervention in the mean time.
So now we were booked in officially with Sheyne (a five day - in house stay), so we counted down the days, and held on by a very thin thread.
My partner worked crazy hours to get the money to pay for Sheyne. Was it going to be worth it? I was feeling extremely hopeful, but I still couldn’t imagine what happy days with my baby might be like!
Sheyne walks into our lives;
My fiancé went to get Sheyne from the airport. A whole hour of chatting with my fiancé on the way home to get his perspective on things would give her a chance to walk into our lives fully armed with a deep understanding of our family. Something no one else had done.
The second Sheyne walked into my house I felt like I had an old school friend coming to stay. Her presence was immediate and her calm demeanour was infectious.
Sheyne is seriously the most gifted person both my partner and I have ever met.
By the third night (and she only needed to assist Jai on the first night as the second night he put himself back to sleep when he stirred without the need for help) he slept through from 7pm until we woke him the next morning, yes you read right, we WOKE him up, at 6.30 the next morning after a full nights sleep without a single peep.
At exactly 15 months of age, our little boy slept all night, all by himself, and slept for more than 2 hours solidly through the day all by himself.
He was able to go to sleep without a single tear all by himself from the moment she first put him down on the very first day. That’s right, no crying when she put him to bed, and walked out of the room leaving him to self settle. NO CRYING!!!!!!!!!
He started sleeping in excess of 2 hours during the day immediately, and all night every night from the third night, and then suddenly, as though the last 15 months had just washed away, we had a new baby with a new personality in our house.
I can honestly say we were in total shock!
I bet you’re dying to know what she did!? There is just so much that Sheyne does but to try and give you ‘some’ idea, Sheyne is the true definition of “baby whisperer”. Communication is her key, and her ability to communicate with children is the most beautiful experience you could witness in your life.
It was actually harder for us to pick it up than it was for Jai. He just got it, and I guess the reason why was because she was speaking his language. Sheyne starts with the simplest tasks before she even attempts to deal with the issue of sleep. This is because the problems that happen overnight lie in what happens throughout the day. As she explained to us, you can’t expect your child to lie down happily in bed, while you say goodnight and walk out, if you can’t get them to lie down for a nappy change! We returned to using our change table for changing Jai which was such a relief for my back because we could now ask him to lie down without fear of him rolling off, or without the need for both my husband and I to literally have to pin him down to get changed. This is one of 50 examples of her communication through the day, but it’s all so simple to use.
Sheyne used role play to demonstrate changes to Jai and as a mother I have to say it was so much easier for me to cope with Jai fighting transitions in my arms while she just played them out with a teddy bear, rather than walking out and letting him cry all by himself at sleep time.
Naturally, with Jai’s history, there was a little crying involved through the day while we role played putting teddy to bed. Sheyne explained that children are much the same as adults when it comes to change, they simply don’t like the unknown, but to be able to hold my boy and nurture him through those changes (all done indirectly via role play, and not directly with him the first few times) was refreshing and empowering. He responded to this strategy in the most profound way, by accepting the new sleep conditions without stress and crying when she put him to bed, right from the first settle. Proof is in the pudding. The benefits of this strategy are undeniable, yet not one single person has even suggested I ‘talk to my baby’ and ‘teach him’ what he needed to do prior to Sheyne coming. Everyone suggested taking away his comforts, no warnings, letting him cry, and lying next to him while he cried, or sedating his little body so he literally couldn’t cry.
For the first time ever I felt confident that he was ok. I knew I could protect him and teach him that he has the coping skills within himself to deal with life, but as his mother I would always be there to support him, not control him. And that was such a key in the turn around we saw with Jai. We had literally thrown our hands up and handed the reigns over to our little child because we just didn’t know what to do anymore.
As soon as Sheyne started working with him you could see this overburdened little boy emerging, grateful that finally someone was lifting the weight of decision making off his tiny little shoulders. Within days, he started to “bounce”. He blossomed and we just sat back in awe and saw his personality shine through for the first time ever. His sense of humour flourished and his stubborn and determined little nature was just redirected into more positive aspects of his day, and not squashed.
On the fourth night Sheyne was here, my partner and I lay in our bed and shed tears of happiness. We were almost embarrassed at how easily Sheyne had settled him. I asked her the next day if she maybe thought we had exaggerated about how bad things had got! But Sheyne said she had identified his problem areas on that first day, and she was also sad at how burdened and stressed he appeared. She said she could see how desperate he was to be freed of that burden, and saw how relieved he was when the only thing he needed to worry about any more was just being a carefree little boy à and all she has to do was show him the way à and all she had to then do was show us the way to continue showing him.
A new beginning!
The new routine is lovely, and it incorporates a lot of what we did but just in an effective way. For example, instead of eliminating all of his sleep associations as the Royal Children’s Hospital had recommended, we used them. We sing him a beautiful song as we rock him gently in our arms, telling him we love him and it’s time for sleep. We kiss him and hold him lovingly before tucking him in. We then tuck him in using a safe t sleep, which gives him the sensation of still being held all snugly, and now he has 3 very special ‘sleep time only’ teddies (that he adores) that he grabs himself and positions in his own little way for cuddles. Then we smile as we pat him and sing him off to a safe and secure place he has never known, the place of calm relaxed peace that leads to sleep. We do not put him to sleep however, and he always knows when we leave the room because we are totally honest with him, never sneaking off hoping he won’t notice. We are never in his room for more that 3-4 minutes when we put him to bed. EVER! When we leave him awake in his room to go to sleep, he is happy, calm and content and puts himself to sleep with absolutely no difficulties whatsoever.
He actually gets excited now when it’s sleep time, which is unbelievable to us, particularly coming from a child who screamed his head off as soon as he so much as saw a cot!
He plays in his cot happily after his sleeps, something sleep school was totally against. We have a great active, energy burning, and exciting play with him every night after dinner where he just giggles and laughs and we spend time together as a family interacting and just having good old fashion fun! Yep, when daddy gets home from work we hype him right up! On purpose! This too was something else we were advised not to do before we met Sheyne.
Not only does Sheyne help with behavioural and sleep problems, she is trained in Early Childhood Development and having the ability to pick her brains is like walking into a child’s wonderland. We spent time purchasing new, more appropriate toys for Jai. We now know what is gimmick and what is educational, what will be interesting for a day, and what will hold his interests for many months or even years to come. We can pick books that will enhance his reading time and teach him valuable skills like patience, listening, co operation and gentle behaviour.
Most of all though, Sheyne steered us in the right direction to develop into confident, strong and honest parents. We now know how to lay a path in words for our little boy to busily race alone. This is a win/win situation. We govern, he has control, everyone is finally happy! It’s ‘so simple’ it’s almost embarrassingly ridiculous, particularly when I think of all the things people had been telling us to do all these months’.
Sheyne witnessed for herself my physical reactions to Jai’s crying on the very first morning when we were to have our first and biggest challenge as Sheyne assuming the governing role in the house. She saw it was an extreme response and we started to work through experiencing it, and establishing coping strategies for it.
She has helped me to understand and recognise when I am running into danger. I will never be able to control the way I shake and the way I feel when my sons cries provoke those emotions inadvertently in me. She said that the trauma in my life was too great, and unfortunately it is my body’s coping mechanism to shut down, but I feel validated now. Recognising my triggers is such a huge step for me, and having the ability to channel Sheyne as a coping mechanism and hear her voice and feel her presence is enabling me to get through it. I have not fainted since she has left, which is a great relief to me as I had fainted several times when I was home alone with Jia prior to her visit, and had once even come around in the hallway with Jai crying over me and my head bleeding.
Instead of Jai feeding off my nervousness and fear now, I can be stronger and not pass it onto him. It is my issue to deal with, not his.
This overall strategy is perfect for me though because it is designed to avoid the tears from starting in the first place, meaning that by addressing the things that upset him, and managing then via communication, I don’t have to be exposed to any crying at sleep time, and not very much crying through the day.
I am no longer scared that I am damaging him psychologically every time I walk away or I say no. I no longer parent from these fears. I have learnt to parent from a confident, long term perspective that is developing Jai into the sort of confident, flexible and relaxed child that will enable him to be all he can possibly be. He is still cheeky (Sheyne’s favourite kind of baby!), and he still challenges me and he will always be hard work but I am not afraid anymore, nor is my partner. I wish I had time to talk about how great this has been for jai’s father but there is only so much I can write, but I will tell you, this has been SO great for Jai’s father. He suffered a little from depression just after Sheyne left, but that has since passed and we are all doing really well.
It has been 9 weeks since Sheyne left, and we are no longer worried that we are going to wake up and he is going to fall of the wagon! Time has proven to us that this holistic approach maintains his sleep because his days is working well and even if things change, we can cope and get back on track. Things have become so much clearer now!
We saw the ear surgeon after Sheyne left, Jai had more tests done and now we have finally found the source of his life long inability to lie down and have a good night sleep when he was young. He has had mucous in his ears and it appears it was from birth. This mucus and fluid would be getting infected from time to time and the fluid levels and pressure in his ears would be spiking from time to time causing ongoing random times of significant discomfort. He will probably still need grommets but the ear surgeon was so astonished at the turnaround in Jai that he really wants us to all have time to catch up on some sleep and to heal. He will review Jai at the end of the year and once again next year unless he starts to show signs of pain. But as the surgeon said, Jai is now getting good quality sleep and yes his ears do bother him, but he can cope now. They irritate him instead of sending him blind with pain.
This lovely surgeon also took the time to congratulate me on getting parenting education from Sheyne. He said it was the loveliest gift to have given our child and he was truly impressed with the strategies we were now using.
Jai’s hair is now growing. (Sheyne saw a photo of him 8 months prior to her visit and she could not tell the difference in age between present day and eight months earlier). He has gained weight, he is taller, I now have to cut his nails every week or so, something I used to do every couple of months, that is how seriously sleep deprived he was.
He is calm, loving and affectionate. His speech is developing rapidly and he is independent, so much so that he gets into mischief from time to time as I am so used to him going off adventuring and exploring quietly and happily for prolonged periods at home everyday.
I absolutely love hanging out with him. I no longer have feelings of resentment towards him, ever. I was once disconnected from him, taking him from place to place asking people to take him and help him, but now I understand him, we are connected, and I know how to and want to help him myself. I now understand what it is to be bonded to my child. I no longer feel I need to give him to others to fix. I love teaching him and watching him learn. I love him. We have bonded.
We are now recovering and we are starting to live for the first time as a family of three. My partner and I have our bed back and we can chat at night in the dark, cuddle and relax when Jai goes to sleep. I have put weight back on, my hair is growing back, and I am beginning to look healthy. If Jai stirs in the night (a brief murmur as he gets comfortable and drifts back off to sleep) it still wakes me with a knife through my heart but I am able to work through it. I can understand every single cry he makes and I know when he needs me and when he needs space. I no longer assess his state of mind based on my state of mind, or my fears. He is a person in his own right and he should be respected, as we all should,
Time to move on. Hurray! BUT it’s not that simple
~ we still resent what we had to go through before we found our ‘simple’ solution!
Now it is time for us to try and move on. That is what we are finding is the hardest. We are so bloody angry! We feel cheated and let down by a pathetic system. We don’t look back at Jai’s baby photos with happiness; we are haunted by bad memories of sleep deprivation and horrible experiences of parenting.
Why on earth are the sleep schools not using Sheyne’s techniques?
Why are paediatricians not suggesting her routines and communication strategies?
Why did our child have to go through so many medical tests and examinations when Sheyne could pick what was going on by the times he would wake at night?
Why don’t hospitals offer this sort of parenting class after you’ve had your baby, instead of just ante natal classes that only attempt to prepare you for labour and birth?
Surely our government has to be questioning why there is such an increase in cases of physical violence against children. Of course there are some people out there that are psychopathic and cruel but I honestly believe the majority of parents like myself just don’t have the knowledge or the support to parent positively.
We are under more pressure than ever too as we parent, we have mortgages, and often bills that increase enormously when you have a child, all at the same time a family usually experiences a huge loss to the double income. Living expenses are constantly on the rise and everyone is working harder to survive. We are tired and burnt out and many of us need help from time to time. Why is it not available in this country?
I have leant that getting an eduction is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, we are so proud of ourselves that we didn’t give up, and in hindsight had we known what we would eventually spend on paediatrician costs, sleep schools, other so-called sleep ‘experts’, medicines, doctors, loss of income from my partner having to take time off, medical bills for my health, the list goes on and on, I just wish we had turned to Sheyne in the first place.
We often say we would have paid $10,000 easily now knowing what she was capable of. I broke down her hourly rate for what we paid, and for the time she put in, and it is obvious that Sheyne helps families like ours because she is good at it and she loves it. Sorry Sheyne, but it certainly isn’t the money! She has a gift and she is more than willing to share it.
I think the hardest thing for Sheyne must be her inability to get out to everyone. But if you need help, get on her waiting list and keep persisting and contacting her via e-mail. Read over her website, book in for a phone call or buy her book next year. Whatever you do, get her into her life because you might be like us, she might really save your and your child’s life, literally.
But finally, if you are walking the road I have, she will give you something that is priceless…
She will give you the beauty of falling in love with your very precious little baby. No-one before Sheyne succeeded in doing that, not even remotely.
